Stress-Free Small Talk | Richard S. Gallagher LMFT

Small talk is a skill, just as learning how to bake a cake from a cookbook is a skill. There are clear phases to every conversation and teachable steps you can take to master each of these phases. If you learn and practice them, you will discover that you really can learn to be confident in any conversation.

The Oxford Dictionary defines small talk as “polite conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial matters, especially as engaged in on social occasions.” Put another way, its entire purpose is to build relationships. This is why conversations about “unimportant” topics can actually be some of the most important kinds of communication we have with people. As nationally known social networking expert Phil Gerbyshak put it, “Make friends first, and do business last.” It would not be an exaggeration to say the most important networking skill you can develop is to simply delight in the company of other people.

There is a popular saying that all business is personal, and it is true from the mailroom to the boardroom. People who like you are much more willing to help you, support you, and even promote or make deals with you. More often than not, these good relationships start with people showing an interest in others by engaging in small talk.

In any workplace, small talk is not just an important social skill but an important career skill, as well.

Talking to other people does not have to be stressful and anxiety-inducing if you have the tools and knowledge to prepare yourself and get yourself in the right mind-set.

As you learn and practice skills for making small talk, one concept that will help you is that small talk is always about the other person. It isn’t really about how you come across but about how you make the other person feel.

Our brains are wired to warn us about possible threats, but we can critically examine these thoughts, be aware of them, and start to challenge some of their assumptions. This process, in turn, will make it easier to take the first steps toward confident interactions with people.

Realize that it is important to keep an open mind and not overthink a social situation before you are in it. Respect any feelings of anxiety you might have about these encounters, but at the same time be open to possibilities of discovering new people, new conversations, and new situations. These benefits are waiting for you on the other side of social conversations, and the risks are smaller and more easily managed in real life than you might think.

The late self-help author Dr. Wayne Dyer once shared a useful quotation from Hindu teacher Nisargadatta Maharaj about this mind-set: “In my world, nothing ever goes wrong.” In other words, everything is an experience we can learn and grow from. This is particularly true in a social setting. Having a good conversation with someone is great. So is discovering that you do not really click with someone. So is learning, even with occasional trial and error, what things people like to hear from you. All of it is good.

Ironically, to have truly meaningful conversations, you have to let go of perfection and just be yourself. Not everyone will love meeting you. You will make mistakes along the way, and that is okay!

Tell yourself, “I’m human, and it’s okay to be human. Whatever happens, I will accept it, and life will go on just fine.”

People want to get to know humans, not perfect automatons. When you press forward and have authentic, imperfect conversations with people, you are sharing a little bit of your humanity with them. More often than you think, the listener will appreciate that you are a real person and feel more closely connected to you.

Thinking about a social situation beforehand not only will help you feel better, but it also will make you a much more effective communicator.

Good posture, particularly when you are talking to someone or at a public event, starts with the basics: Stand or sit with a natural erect posture, with your hands at your sides or clasped comfortably in your lap.

You do not need to stand stiffly at military attention, but rather the goal is to let your body language exude confidence. Avoid shoving your hands in your pockets, clasping your hands behind your back, or being hunched over; these all make you seem less present with the person in front of you.

Your posture also telegraphs your emotions to the other person, sometimes much more powerfully than what you say.

Maintaining face-to-face human connections is ultimately the key to our happiness, well-being, and longevity.

“Game Face” is a term from sports, where athletes put themselves in the mind-set of the game before going out on the field. In a social context, you can think of your “game face” as the happy, confident, smiling face you turn on whenever you enter a social gathering. When you know that it is time to socialize, you can make it a point to have your “game face” on.

You have the ability to control the look on your face in a social gathering, and this “game face” is best practiced beforehand and committed to muscle memory so that you can bring it back on command.

Here are some additional tips to help conversations go more smoothly:

Find opportunities to slip in some praise for the person you are speaking with, if possible. Don’t gush or be insincere, but even a small number of honest compliments will make you seem like a great conversationalist.

Be yourself and always be friendly, but also consider that talking a little more boldly and firmly will give you authority and credibility.

If you are feeling anxious about making conversation with someone, slow down, smile, and don’t forget to breathe. This will make you appear much less nervous to others.

I call it the “three-to-one rule.” It means that for every three questions you ask another person, you stop and disclose something about yourself—and perhaps give the other person a chance to ask you some questions.

This three-to-one rule is a rough guideline, designed to help shy or introverted people know when to ask questions and when to talk about themselves. You can vary this based on your own personality. Some people may be more comfortable with a five-to-one rule or a two-to-one rule. Follow your gut, read the other person, and do whatever you need to make it an interactive discussion.

Good questions rarely begin with “why” (“Why are you retiring?” “Why did you do that?”) because they tend to put people on the spot.

Avoid questions that are sensitive or inappropriately personal.

The very best questions speak to people’s strengths and joys, so ask about things the other person is proud of or considers important.

When things go silent, the most important thing to do is smile and relax.

Learn to be comfortable with longer periods of silence. It is as much the other person’s responsibility to keep the conversation going as yours. If things have reached a natural stopping point, the main thing they will remember is your confidence.

Sometimes you will say things that make people unhappy. For example, your beliefs clash with their beliefs, or you disclose a relationship with someone the other person does not like. The solution? Do not try to “fix” the situation. You cannot. Instead, respond as gracefully and respectfully as possible, apologize if you have hurt the other person’s feelings, and hope this gracefulness is remembered later when things have calmed down.

Here are some quick ways to steer it back toward what you want to talk about:

Look for linkages: Find things that connect the other person’s conversation to your topic and use those connections to bridge between them—for example, “Yes, that politician is annoying. You know, I’m fascinated by how people speak in public. Here’s what I’ve noticed . . .”

Use a framing statement: Use a statement that announces your intention to change the subject—for example, “That’s a good point. By the way, I’d like to switch gears and run something else by you, if that’s okay.”

Take a break: When you want to keep talking with someone, but not on the current subject, a quick trip to refill your drink or grab an appetizer can often reset the conversation.

With business small talk, you are doing much more than sharing conversation. You are also building a personal “brand” around your competence, interpersonal skills, and knowledge of your profession. People will often keep this personal brand in mind in regard to future opportunities in the field.

ABC stands for Always Be Constructive. Business colleagues are very different from personal friends, and a business setting, no matter how informal, is not an appropriate setting for gossip or trash talk. First, even if your partners are smiling and nodding in response, you are branding yourself poorly with negativity. Second, it is a very small world and networks are highly interconnected. The person you criticize today may be your new boss next year. Save your real concerns for private discussions with close colleagues and keep your small talk positive.

Engaging in small talk will help people discover who you are as a person. This is of great importance because what they think of you as a person will have a direct influence on the opportunities you gain through the networking experience.

Try to “brand” yourself by being relaxed and confident, showing interest in the interviewer, and letting your stories demonstrate how you handle situations.

Your goal is a relationship, not an opportunity. This point almost sounds like a paradox: You are seeking an opportunity, but you should not focus on it? Correct. This is not really a paradox at all.